• Liberals think we should be equal at the finish line. Conservatives think we should be equal at the starting line.

• Woman: “I’m a registered Democrat.” Man (trying to impress her): “What a coincidence, I hate America, too!”

• “The people will not revolt. They will not look up from their screens long enough to know what is happening.” A quote from the book ‘1984,’ written by George Orwell in 1949.

• Liberals target Christians instead of Muslims for the same reason that PETA targets women wearing furs instead of bikers wearing leather.

• If you are having a bad day, just remember that there are millions of women who actually form their political opinions from watching The View.

• Donald Trump did not convince me to vote for him. Bill Clinton’s wife did.

• Is that actually true, or did you hear it on ABC, CBS, NBC, MSNBC or CNN?

• Definition of a bigot: A person who wins an argument with a liberal.

• How many liberals does it take to solve a problem? Nobody knows. It’s never happened.

• Guns don’t kill people. Testifying against Hillary does.

• To all liberals: Would it be okay with you if I came over to your house, walked around to find a hole in your fence, crawled in through the bedroom window and then demanded you feed me, house me and give me money every month? Well, would it? Didn’t think so.

• A grown man who “feels like a woman” should not be able to share a bathroom with my daughter or yours. That used to be called common sense. Now it’s called being bigoted.

• ‘Happy wife, happy life.’ There is no word that rhymes with husband. Coincidence? I think not.

• ABC News recommends that parents put something ‘important’ in the backseat of their car in order to avoid accidently leaving their baby in a hot car. Something important? Who in the hell signed off on that?

• Definition of Trump: A man that gave up his billionaire lifestyle to be humiliated, ridiculed and slandered daily in order to save America and the American people.

• To all NFL players: To exist under the premise/illusion that your ability to catch a ball makes you more of a hero than the bodies that are sent home in coffins covered in American flags is exactly why Donald Trump won.

• For his birthday, my friend’s wife gave him a portable safe. Think about that.

• Definition of a liberal: A person who is willing to give away every single thing he doesn’t own.

• Can someone explain to me the difference between Russian interference in our elections and allowing illegal immigrants to vote? Yup, didn’t think so.

• I absolutely refuse to debate any issue with any person who doesn’t know which bathroom to use.

• Maxine (Swamp) Waters: Received $200,000 from the Russians. Has passed a total of three bills in 27 years. Was named most corrupt politician in DC. Prosecuted four different times for fraud. Star of the Democratic Party.

• If Chris Matthews, Jimmy Kimmel, Barack Obama and Jesse Jackson were all drowning but you only could save one of them, what kind of sandwich would you make?

Opinions offered in If I Were King are the author’s alone and do not necessarily reflect the opinion of the Tri-County Times or its staff. Email the King at Some content adapted from the internet.

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