Okay, let’s just come out with it and say what everyone is already thinking — August is the red-headed stepchild (yes, stepchild is one word) of the calendar. It’s beastly hot and muggy. It has a dismal history of anything positive occurring. Many believe there is no reason to actually have an August. Better we should have only 11 months in each year by simply adding 2.583 days to each of the remaining 11 months rather than wallow around with the indecisive, unlikable and unpredictable August.

August has a miserable track record. It is when the first-ever atomic bombs were dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. It was when Anne Frank was arrested. Elvis Presley and Marilyn Monroe died in August. It also is the month that Barack Obama was born in (take your pick) Hawaii, Africa or Chicago. The frosting on the cake would be that August is National Catfish Month, as well as the month when the Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour debuted in 1971. Need I say more?

For some reason August is also the top month for thugs and dictators to attempt to take over the world. World War I started in August 1914. Iraq invaded Kuwait Aug. 2, 1990. The Berlin Wall was erected on Aug. 13, 1961. Why August? Perhaps the villains assume we’ll be too distracted by vacations or humidity to notice.

If that isn’t enough, President Abraham Lincoln signed into law the first Federal income tax, a 3-percent tax on incomes over $800, on Aug. 5, 1861, a day that will live in infamy.

August is hell-on-wheels for sports fans, who have to feign interest in (yaaaawn) NFL training camps. No new books are ever released in August. TV programming is rerun hell. And any movie released in the wasteland of August is clearly a ghastly affair targeting bored and desperate teens.

Magazines run articles with titles such as “Don’t forget to change the batteries in your smoke detectors” or “Time to reseed those bare lawn patches.”

Sadly, you can’t get a day off from work during August because it is the only month without a real holiday. But, fear not, August has an embarrassing array of lame celebrations such as National Minority Blood Donor Month, as well as Certified Registered Nurse Anesthetist Week and Carpenter Ant Awareness Month. Woohoo, break out the booze and let’s partaaaay!

August is also the month of vagueness. November is the 11th month. March is the third month. What month is August? Does it have 30 days or 31? Uhuh…just as I thought. You had to recite the month rhyme.

The famous people with August birthdays are a sorry lot, including such beloved celebs such as Fidel Castro, Alfred Hitchcock, Lyndon Johnson, Michael Jackson, as well as John Holmes and Harry Reems of porno fame (I had to ask a friend who they were).

Adding insult to injury, August babies are at a huge educational disadvantage. They are basically 6-12 months behind all their peers in every measurement — physically, mentally, speech, cognizance, athletics and maturity. That’s a lot of strikes against you when just being released into the world.

Thus, I close the “case against August.”

The verdict? Guilty as charged.

Opinions offered in If I Were King are the author’s alone and do not necessarily reflect the opinion of the Tri-County Times or its staff. Email the King at Some content adapted from the internet.

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