• Definition of a husband: Someone who, after taking out the trash, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

 • I refuse to believe that there is one person in the world who gets in the shower and then turns the water on.

 • Which letter is silent in the word ‘scent?’ Is it the ‘s’ or the ‘c’?

 • When you think about it, everyone stops smoking eventually.

 • If the federal government can’t provide medical care for 7 million military veterans, what fool thinks they could provide it for 330 million citizens?

 • It has been my experience in life that women drivers, in general, operate in just two modes: they are either accelerating or braking — there is no in-between.

 • Have you ever considered the possibility that it is oxygen itself that kills us, and it just takes about 60 to 100 years to get the job done?

 • Am I the only one who wonders why no one has ever marketed bulletproof pants? Seems like a good idea to me.

 • What damn fool ever thought it would be a good idea to put an ‘s’ in the word lisp?

 • I live for only two reasons. 1) I was born. 2) I haven’t died yet.

 • Why is it called the World Series when it is the championship for only the U.S.A.?

 • Once a building is finished, wouldn’t it make more sense to call it a ‘built?’

 • I agree with Thomas Sowell who said that Walmart has done more for poor people than any program the government has ever initiated.

 • Does anyone actually know what ‘OK’ stands for?

 • Isn’t ‘Guidance Counselor’ a redundant term?

 • ‘Swims’ is one of the few words in the English language that looks exactly the same when rotated upside down.

 • Can someone explain to me why my dog gets annoyed when I blow in his face, but is ecstatic when he sticks his head out the car window while I’m going 50 mph?

 • A mere 70 years ago everyone owned a horse and only rich people had cars. Today, everyone owns a car but only rich people own horses. Go figure.

 • A just-released study of the most annoying drivers in America by Expedia found that, for the 15th straight year, the most annoying drivers on the road are every driver that’s not you.

 • If a woman is always right, and a man is always wrong, then if a man tells a woman she is right, is she not then wrong?

 • Do you remember when there was nothing to check, and no device to check it on, and all you did was live your life?

 • It is not possible to think of a color that does not yet exist.

 • Every single year each of us celebrates the anniversary of our birth. Every single year each of us passes the anniversary of our death – we just don’t know it.

 • Some come into our lives and leave a footprint on our heart. Others come into our lives and make us want to leave a footprint on their face.

 • Whenever I run across a pair of twins, I can’t help but wonder if either twin ever realizes that one of them was unplanned.

 • Next time the government tells us that they’re going to improve something, remind them that they’re the idiots who (----ed) up the gas can.

Opinions offered in If I Were King are the author’s alone and do not necessarily reflect the opinion of the Tri-County Times or its staff. Email the King at Some content adapted from the internet.

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