What is the greatest hypocrisy of all time?

 Women’s magazines. Every issue since the beginning of time has contained some form of these two mandatory subject stories: ‘All Men are Pigs’ and ‘How to Attract a Man.’

 Where does rain come from?

 All water originates from glaciers. Several million years ago, the glaciers, through a process called migration, traveled to Florida trailer parks inhabited almost entirely by old men wearing chest-high pants, bitching about taxes, and eating dinner at 4 p.m. During the glaciers’ centuries-long journey, they carved out millions of lakes. These lakes, through a process called evaporation, provide the water that creates clouds, which in turn create rain, through a process called precipitation. After falling back to the earth, the rain seeps into underground wells, which are then tapped by a Fortune 500 brewery and made into beer through a process called fermentation. Finally, the cycle is completed when this beer is consumed by swimmers, boaters and fishermen and deposited back into the very lakes it originated from, through a process called urination.

Random thoughts:

• The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family. The problem is that no one runs in your family.

• Does my wife think I’m a control freak? Well, I haven’t decided that yet.

• Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own question? I sure do.

• One way to determine if you are old is to fall down in front of a crowd of people. If they laugh, you are still young. If they start running to you, you’re old.

• Too many newscasters today see themselves as ‘agents of social change’ as opposed to performing the politically neutral job description they were hired to do.

• I suffer from Kleptomania, but when it gets real bad, I take something for it.

• I have been watching professional football for over 40 years. In all those years, I have never seen a black football player kick an extra point or a field goal. Can anyone tell me why that is?

The biggest differences between being young and old:

Then: Long hair.

Now: Longing for hair.

Then: KEG. 

Now: EKG. 

Then: Acid rock.

Now: Acid reflux.

Then: You’re growing pot.

Now: Your growing pot.

Then: Trying to look like Val Kilmer or Kathleen Turner.

Now: Trying not to look like Val Kilmer or Kathleen Turner.

Then: Killer weed.

Now: Weed killer.

Then: ‘Whatever.’

Now: ‘Depends.’

Then: Hoping for a BMW.

Now: Hoping for a BM.

 What single consumer product do you think provides the best value for your money?

 Consider the lowly pencil. Lumber workers cut the trees that sawmill workers then shape into milled wood, while miners draw the graphite from deep in the earth, and others smelt and shape it into the thin rod, which is somehow encased in the octagonal tube of wood, which is then gaily painted, varnished and stamped with a name, motto or snappy saying, topped with a milled metal tip (also mined and processed and stamped) which contains a pink eraser made of gum from some remote jungle. This pillar of communication technology then becomes available to you and me at the shockingly, insanely, irrationally low price of — about 10 cents.

Opinions offered in If I Were King are the author’s alone and do not necessarily reflect the opinion of the Tri-County Times or its staff. Email the King at Some content adapted from the internet.

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