A recent email sent by an avid reader made me realize that it’s time someone took charge of the things that are being grossly mishandled by our wasteful, faceless, spineless, incompetent government. Effective immediately, I’ll handle it.

• Free Housing — I’ll handle it. All government housing will be located in military barracks. The current active soldiers will move into newly built, nicer facilities, thereby opening up hundreds of thousands of dwellings for welfare housing. All residents will keep their free housing clean, spotlessly maintained and in good repair. All housing will be subject to random inspections by drill sergeants for any abuse, drugs, tobacco or alcohol. If you can afford any of those, you can afford your own home. Any violation results in eviction. No excuses, no exceptions.

• Medicaid — I’ll handle it. First, no more abortions. In addition to being murder (does ‘thou shalt not kill’ ring a bell?), abortion is counterproductive to the process of accountability for one’s actions. If you are pregnant and test positive for drugs, nicotine or alcohol at your mandatory monthly screening, you forfeit all ‘benefits’ — immediately and permanently. No excuses, no exceptions.

• Food Stamps — I’ll handle it. No more cash. But, you will get vouchers good for bulk bread, rice, beans, sugar-free cereal, cheese and powdered milk.  Nothing can be ‘purchased’ that is not on the approved list. No more cigarettes, Pepsi, Twinkies or pork rinds.

• Aid to Dependent Children — I’ll handle it. Maximum two children to any married couple. A third child results in forfeiture of any and all welfare “benefits.” If you can’t feed ‘em, don’t breed ‘em. The father of any child must be identified on the birth certificate in order to obtain any ‘benefits.’ No excuses, no exceptions.

• Unemployment — I’ll handle it. Every citizen who has worked will earn a total of 52 weeks of unemployment once every decade. If you do collect unemployment, you will report to a government job three days a week (cleaning parks, building roads, painting public property, etc). That will leave you two days a week to find a job. Late for your government work, or miss a day? No problem — no check for that week (it will count against your 52 weeks though). No excuses, no exceptions.

• Fraud — I’ll handle it. Any instance of fraud results in instant loss of any government assistance for life. No excuses, no exceptions.

• Accountability — If, while accepting any government assistance, you acquire a Wii, XBox, HD TV, or show up with a  new tattoo or  body piercing — all ‘benefits’ end immediately. If you can afford those, you don’t need us.

  Welfare, in any form, is a choice. All choices carry consequences. If you and I are to pay for someone else’s bad choices, then we should set the system up so that they learn the value of making good choices.

  The current system does just the opposite.

  Don’t worry, I’ve got it handled.

Opinions offered in If I Were King are the author’s alone and do not necessarily reflect the opinion of the Tri-County Times or its staff. Email the King at Some content adapted from the internet.

(0) comments

Welcome to the discussion.

Keep it Clean. Please avoid obscene, vulgar, lewd, racist or sexually-oriented language.
Don't Threaten. Threats of harming another person will not be tolerated.
Be Truthful. Don't knowingly lie about anyone or anything.
Be Nice. No racism, sexism or any sort of -ism that is degrading to another person.
Be Proactive. Use the 'Report' link on each comment to let us know of abusive posts.
Share with Us. We'd love to hear eyewitness accounts, the history behind an article.