If I were king

One of the many surefire signs of getting older is reading obituaries. As morbid as that seems when you are in your 20s, 30s and even 40s, it doesn’t seem odd at all to those of us who have crossed the magical age of 50.

 • You have to have ID to buy alcohol, you have to have ID to get a job, you have to have ID to open a bank account or buy a gun. So, will someone please tell me again how voter ID is racist?

Like most people, I see and read lots of words every day on computer screens, in newspapers, on TV, signs, menus, billboards, semis, bumper stickers, bills, commercial vehicles — pretty much everywhere you look you will see words.

Our newly elected governor has already come up with an innovative and unique solution to “fix the damn roads.” She is increasing the gas tax by 45¢ per gallon, which will eventually cost each Michigan driver about $400 per year.

 • Definition of a husband: Someone who, after taking out the trash, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

A royal reader sent me an email regarding the origin of species. I have adapted it slightly to better reflect present-day society. To wit:

There used to be a sleazy show on TV called ‘Girls Gone Wild!’ that I have (ahem), viewed occasionally, strictly for professional reasons. The very few times I viewed the program (again, for professional reasons), it appeared to consist exclusively of clips of outrageous behavior by very pre…

What would you consider to be the most versatile word in the English language? Yes, I know it’s not something we often think about, so here’s a clue: This word has more meanings and definitions than any other word in the dictionary, as well as the ability to be a verb, a noun, an adjective, …

I travel a lot by car, averaging about 30,000 miles per year. That’s a lot of road hours so I have a variety of activities to help pass the time, such as books on CDs, XM radio (not worth the cost), music CDs (Lynrd Skynrd) and my favorite driving past-time, trying to decipher the cryptic co…

We hear a lot about “rights” in America. We have the right to an attorney. We have the right to remain silent. We have the right to free speech, the right to privacy and the right to bear arms.

I am the kind of American that many of my fellow Americans wish would go away. I like police officers. They protect my family and keep them safe when I’m not at home. I like soldiers — all soldiers, they risk their lives in order for us to be able to live our lives in freedom and safety. Tha…

I read a column recently that discussed the merits of the movie It’s A Wonderful Life. I’m one of those guys who wouldn’t feel the Christmas season was complete without an annual viewing of the beloved holiday classic.

What do you think is the single greatest technological development of all time? The light bulb that brought us out of the dark ages? The telephone, which bridged the continent with instant communication? Many would likely list the personal computer and the internet at the top of their list.

If you are like my friends Bob and Bill, you mispronounce a multitude of words daily without even knowing it. Maybe everyone else you know pronounces them that way. Or maybe your friends are too nice to tell you your pronunciation is incorrect. It’s even possible (gasp!!) that these mispronu…

Every year, as predictable as a full moon or Michael Moore making a movie nobody watches, some killjoy mounts their soapbox to tell us that Christmas no longer has any meaning because Americans spend too much money on Christmas gifts and evil retailers have made a mockery of the true meaning…

You, the voters, need to know that 29 states and 263 counties now have ballots in both English and Spanish. Why would a ballot need to be written in English and Spanish when, by law, you are required to be proficient in English in order to become a citizen and, therefore, be eligible to vote?

A recent email sent by an avid reader made me realize that it’s time someone took charge of the things that are being grossly mishandled by our wasteful, faceless, spineless, incompetent government. Effective immediately, I’ll handle it.

I f you choose not to vote in elections, you’re not alone. Tens of millions of American citizens intentionally choose not to take part in elections — and most of them have logical and sensible reasons for abstaining.  

You would worry a lot less about what people think of you if you knew how little they actually did.

Younger people should know this — it was not always this way. In the ’60s, ’70s and ’80s, American citizens were congenial to each other. We had disagreements, especially regarding politics, but opinions were not shrieked or screamed by those who disagreed. No one accosted, threatened or bul…

Over the years I have attended, and presented, many speeches. I recently, and miserably, travelled to Wisconsin in order to sit through 25 minutes of the speech from hell. Ergo, I feel a responsibility to provide some tips for any of my thousands of readers/fans that may have occasion to giv…

L ike most people, I see and read lots of words every day on computer screens, in newspapers, on TV, signs, menus, billboards, bumper stickers, bills, commercial vehicles — pretty much everywhere you look you will see words.

W e are all familiar with the sad stories of talented people who intentionally destroy themselves. Elvis Presley, Michael Jackson, Marilyn Monroe and many more who had it all, yet threw it all away.

H ave you ever really thought about how much of our life is dominated by time? Nearly everything we do revolves around various types of time-measuring devices. We arise at the shrill command of an alarm clock each morning and go to bed at the same time each evening. We leave for, and arrive …

Like many of you reading this, I will be celebrating Labor Day with my family. Despite the dismal weather forecast, we will grill our dinners outside, go for a couple of boat rides, do some fishing, and the little ones will likely roast some marshmallows around the campfire at night while we…

I read Time magazine. Time has over 2 million readers. Time is one of the most liberal magazines on the planet. Time is as socialistic and left wing as President Barack Obama was.

• Liberals think we should be equal at the finish line. Conservatives think we should be equal at the starting line.

Okay, let’s just come out with it and say what everyone is already thinking — August is the red-headed stepchild (yes, stepchild is one word) of the calendar. It’s beastly hot and muggy. It has a dismal history of anything positive occurring. Many believe there is no reason to actually have …

They don’t want us to vote. If they did, we wouldn’t be voting on a Tuesday. You ever thrown a party on a Tuesday? Me neither. Because nobody would come.

M ore than 20 years ago, my wife and I took a trip to northern California. It was one of our best vacations ever, with the highlight being the two nights we spent in beautiful San Francisco. Today, that is no longer the case. Represented in Congress by Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) and ruled …

Grover Cleveland had one. William Taft had a big one. Teddy Roosevelt and Abe Lincoln both had funny looking ones.

• Never in history has Windows ever actually found a solution when it crashes and says, “checking for a solution to the problem.”

I n seven days, it will be Independence Day in America. It seems like a perfect day to share what I think are the things about this country that make it the best, and most blessed, place to live on the face of the Earth.

T oday is Father’s Day. Today is the day we honor all dads, but especially those who stand on principle in the face of adversity — those who are models of courage, conviction and character for their families.

I f you are college bound, like my granddaughter, you are one of the most fortunate people on the planet. For four years you will be required to do little more than read and write, think and discuss —  and do your laundry! You will not have to mow the grass, pay the electric and water bill o…

I am a lifelong Fenton resident. I certainly never planned it that way. When I was young, l couldn’t imagine living my life in this hopelessly backward one-horse town. I was going to see the world.

I feel bad for most kids today. They are missing out on one of the most wonderful sensorial experiences in the world — the sounds of summer.

• A mother is a person who, upon seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.

• In 1987, seven million American children disappeared. The cause? It was the first year the IRS required the Social Security numbers for dependents on tax returns.

Although you can’t see them, they’re everywhere. They’re on everything you touch, everything you eat, and they even live inside of you — by the millions. What are they? They’re germs and bacteria, and without them we would all die. But wait, aren’t they the bad guys? Well, yes, bacterial inf…

Passengers who were aboard Southwest 1380, the flight that experienced an engine explosion in mid-air last week, are all telling the same compelling story.

I t’s time we quit talking and actually take action to make certain that there is never again a school shooting in our country. It’s important that we do this despite the fact that gun deaths are by no means the most dangerous form of death in America today.

A recent email sent by a royal reader made me realize that it’s time someone took charge of the things that are being grossly mishandled by our wasteful, faceless, spineless, incompetent government. Effective immediately, I’ll handle it.